Ganon's Recruitment
by Galar-maker
Summary: Here we go--my first fic. Review! This is a commercial from Ganon to monsters to recruit in his army.


RECRUIT!

By Galar-Maker

TO MONSTERS WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Tired of being rejected? Cast out? Join the GANON Empire fighting force, and become...

A LEGION OF GANON!

You could be a boss in a dungeon...

Protecting a powerful item that could be the key to your master's downfall.

You could be a miniboss in a dungeon...

Guarding the way to the boss' secret lair.

You could be a normal soldier...

And face off with the Hero of Time (BOO! HISS!) himself, hindering his quest for the defeat of GANON.

Take these successful examples:

Keese:

They aren't tough to defeat, but BOY are they annoying! Navi never manages to target them BEFORE they dive into Link (curse his name) and cause some, if not much, damage. Who knows how many untold thousands of these evil bats have had the honor of sacrificing their lives for the mighty GANON?

Lizalfos:

The first minibosses in the game—I mean in Link's quest, they make appearances several more times. While the Hero of Time is _not_ around, however, they enjoy the lovely scenery and locales of places like the Dodongo's Cavern and the Spirit Temple.

Moblins:

Big, dumb brutes—I mean, fearless crusaders in the cause of GANON—who guard the way to the Forest Temple. Mighty and fearless (or maybe just stupid), they charge that cursed Holder of the Master Sword whenever they see him. However, since budgets are low and most of them need glasses, they don't see him very often.

Stalkids:

These fearsome (cough—NOT—cough) skeletal children roam the Hyrule Field at night, and many have been the cause of much grief to a young, inexperienced Hero of Time. Darn those fairies, though! JUST when you think you've defeated him and GANON will be free to rule the world, he STANDS UP AGAIN!

Like-likes:

Oozing through the halls of the Fire temple and a myriad of other beautiful settings, these creatures are the cause of much pain, sorrow, and Rupee-spending on the part of the Enemy. Wailing and gnashing of teeth (along with cries of, "Come on, spit me OUT already!") are to be heard once this diabolical monster gets hold of Link. It does eventually spit him out, but he has no Hylian Shield with which to defend himself, or even a Goron or Zora tunic (depending on which he was wearing). Unfortunately, if that brat Link manages to kill the Like-like in a limited amount of time, he gets his things back. (WAAAA!!! BOO!!)

One wonders why GANON didn't design them so they'd grab his _weapon_...

Ahem, yes, well...

But those were just soldiers and minibosses! Let's look at our rows of successful bosses!

Queen Gohma: Here she is! The Queen of Insects, everyone's favorite Parasitic Armored Arachnid, Queen Gohma! She not only has legions of Deku Scrubs, Skulltulas, and Deku-Babas at her command, but her home, the Great Deku Tree is HUGE! Almost 5,000,000 square feet! And, she hasn't been defeated yet--wait--This was just handed to me. "Gohma has been beaten, due to the disgraceful conduct of Deku Triplet 1, who betrayed his mistress. He will now be flayed and burned. Thank you and have a nice day. : )"

King Dodongo: King Dodongo, master of Dodongo Cave! Let's all hear it for the big lizard--I mean, this fearless upholder of the GANON way of life. Slavery, poverty, not to mention really bad color clashes! Let's hear it for GANON! (Crickets)

Barinade: Electrical boss of Jabu-Jabu, she is jealous of Gohma's location. She drew the longest straw, so she got last pick. (She suspects that GANON fixed it so that Twinrova would get first pick, but hasn't proved anything yet.)

Phantom Ganon: This guy is almost an exact replica of GANON. A bit uglier though, and considerably less intelligent. He's a reall annoying boss, and though Link should have a 50 chance of hitting him every time, it seems considerably less.

Volvagia: All classic fantasies have dragons in them somewhere, so here's ours! Presiding over the Fire Temple, he will soon feat on Barbecued Goron! (I think they taste like rocks, but hey...) He also won the boss award for Most Annoying Music Track in his dungeon!

Morpha: The Water Temple's guardian, she took on the great pain in the neck (or whatever she has) of guarding Ruto. The freakiest sage of all (EVEN more so than Rauru, Nabooru, or Darunia), she has been diagnosed as delusional and schizoprenic. ALL CAUTION SHOULD BE TAKEN IN HANDLING HER!

Bongo-Bongo: Bum...bim-bum... Those drums won him second place in the Most Annoying Dungeon Track these past six years. It is said that his brother, Rayman, is the black sheep of the family. The HERO of his own quest--not the villain!!! Don't mention these guys to each other.

TwinRova (a.k.a. Koume and Kotake): GANON (may he live forever)'s surrogate mothers, they got the first pick at dungeons. Wouldn't you know it, they took the Spirit Temple. Not only is it a beautiful setting, it has the advantage of being the last temple that Link goes to.

(Many thanks to Scott Zier, who made a fanfilm like this on Atomfilms, only Star Wars.)


End file.
